You’re Not the Boss of Me: A Parenting Strategy for Success with ADHD Kids

Parenting a child with ADHD can often feel like navigating a minefield without a map.

Traditional parenting books might not cut it, as children with ADHD respond to methods tailored specifically to their unique needs.

Understanding the ADHD Mind

Children with ADHD might appear exceptionally bright or intuitive due to their heightened awareness of their surroundings, their creative mind, or intuition.

However, this doesn’t necessarily mean they have an advanced intellect; rather, they are hyper-vigilant, which is often a byproduct of their brain being in a constant state of fight or flight and a simple nutrional deficiency they have at birth. This heightened state can distort their ability to make optimal decisions.

What Your ADHD Child Is Really Doing

1. Testing Boundaries: They test limits not just to challenge authority, but to see if you’ll remain consistent in enforcing them.
2. Manipulating Situations: Recognizing patterns in their behavior can prevent you from being manipulated, as they often test to see if they can sway you from your stated boundaries.
3. Negotiating: They negotiate to check if they can persuade you to contradict your own rules or promises.

All of these are tests to see if they can weaken your position which would make you inferior to them so why would they listen to someone so easily swayed. All un or subconscious by the way.

Why You Are the Boss

1. Legal Responsibility: You are responsible for their well-being until they are 18.
2. Safety: They depend on you to recognize and mitigate real risks, something they might not fully understand due to their inherent nature as risk-takers.
3. Parental Role: You are their parent, not a friend. Establishing this boundary early helps manage expectations and behaviors effectively.

The ADHD Brain’s Default Response

The Complexities of Choice in the ADHD Brain

Children with ADHD often exhibit behaviors that are perplexing to parents, especially when it comes to their decision-making processes. A deeper understanding of these behaviors can help parents more effectively guide their children towards making better choices. Here, we’ll delve into why the ADHD brain might struggle with seemingly straightforward decisions and how parents can support better outcomes.

1. The Safety of Saying ‘No’

For many children with ADHD, the decision to say “yes” or “no” isn’t just about compliance — it’s about perceived safety. In a world that often feels overwhelming and unpredictable, saying “no” can be a way to exert control and protect themselves from uncertainty. This tendency is rooted in the brain’s instinctual response:

• Fight or Flight Response: The ADHD brain is frequently in a state of high alert. In situations that require a response, the default ‘no’ can be a protective mechanism, shielding the child from potential threats (real or perceived). The brain does not like change even if it’s a good change.
• Vulnerability Avoidance: Agreeing to something (saying “yes”) might expose them to new challenges, expectations, or failures. For a child whose self-esteem might already be fragile, the risk of a negative outcome can seem daunting.

Strategies for Parents:

• Validate Their Feelings: Show understanding for their need for control and safety. Validation can make them feel heard and supported, which might reduce their need to say “no” as a defensive mechanism.
• Offer Controlled Choices:
• Give them the power to choose between options you find acceptable. This method provides them with a sense of control while guiding them towards positive decisions.

2. Distrust and Defiance

A natural wariness is common in children with ADHD, who may have had experiences where their impulsivity led to misunderstandings or negative consequences.

This distrust can manifest as defiance, not necessarily towards authority itself but as a protective measure against potential harm or misunderstanding.

Strategies for Parents:

• Build Trust Through Consistency: Ensure that your words match your actions.
• Consistency in behavior and consequences can build trust over time, reducing their need to be defensively defiant.
• Transparent Communication: Explain your decisions and the reasons behind rules. Understanding the ‘why’ behind actions can help mitigate distrust and encourage cooperation.

3. Drama as a Source of Comfort

Paradoxically, children with ADHD may find comfort in chaos.

Drama can stimulate their brains in a way that feels invigorating or even calming, due to the release of adrenaline and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters that regulate emotional response and pleasure.

Strategies for Parents:

• Structured Chaos: Introduce controlled, high-energy activities that satisfy their need for stimulation in a positive way.
• Be Active :Sports, music, or interactive games can be excellent outlets.
• Calmness in the Storm: Teach techniques for self-regulation, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, which can help them find calm without resorting to creating drama.

Emphasizing the Importance of ‘No’

While helping your child learn when to say “yes” is crucial, it’s equally important to validate when saying “no” is appropriate.

Children should feel empowered to decline situations that make them uncomfortable or go against their values. This empowerment helps them establish personal boundaries and a sense of autonomy.

Strategies for Parents:

• Role-Playing: Engage in role-playing scenarios where saying “no” is the right choice. This practice can prepare them for real-life situations.
• Encourage Expression:
• Foster an environment where they can express their dislikes and preferences safely and without judgment. This acknowledgment can help them understand their feelings and the appropriateness of their responses.

Understanding these facets of the ADHD brain can transform how parents approach discipline and communication.

By fostering an environment of understanding, consistency, and empathy, you can guide your child toward more constructive behaviors and decision-making patterns.

Strategies for Parenting Success

• Consistency Is Key: Always maintain firm, clear, and fair boundaries.
• Firm but Kind: Discipline should be about teaching, not punishing.
• Educational Engagement: Help them harness their creativity for constructive purposes rather than destructive ones.
• Diet Matters: Encourage healthy eating habits by avoiding sugary snacks and processed foods.
• Understanding No: Distinguish between a “hard no” (safety concerns) and an “ADHD no” (defiance), and respond appropriately

First Steps Toward Improvement

Begin with a “Brain Health Assessment” to understand the specifics of how your and your child’s brains operate. This assessment can provide insights into effective strategies tailored specifically for your situation. https://www.fasciatraininginstitute.com/brain-health-assessment/

Remember, you’re not crazy if parenting feels overwhelming at times — ADHD brings unique challenges. However, recognizing these challenges and adjusting your parenting approach can make a significant difference.

Embrace the journey with patience, understanding, and a dash of humor, and remember that consistency will lead you and your child to success.

And say to yourself they are simply unable.

Unable to fill out a form.

Stop play and have a shower.

Listen or follow instructions.

Stop moving.

Do well in school or structured activities.

Until –

They have the brain food/nutrition they simply cannot get from their diet.

Discover what your brain and your child’s brain needs. https://www.fasciatraininginstitute.com/brain-health-assessment/